Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The hum-drum happiness of life.

It's been going well at the Dude and Catastrophe lately. Last night the boys found a bottle of truth serum* inside a hidden compartment in one of my old tables, and after nipping and experimenting with it for a while the most wonderful things began to take shape.

One of my favorite exchanges went like this:

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ROAST BEEF: Alright Ray so just take like a teaspoon of this stuff

RAY: Heh! You sure it's okay to mix with Tuaca?

BEEF: Oh hell yes doggie this chemical got almost no effects at this dose trust me

RAY: [sips] Huh! Don't taste like much. This didn't taste like much, but if I could elaborate, I'd say it almost tasted slightly like a sugar substance was in the suspension. Is that right? A suspension? Kind of a chemistry term. I never was good at chemistry. I saw Mark Witterman win the chemistry award in 1992. I wasn't jealous, but the ceremony did make me slightly mad.

BEEF: Okay good uh dogg let's do some questions

RAY: I like questions. I have liked questions since a very early age. From a very young time I have enjoyed answering questions. I often wonder if I could make a career of it. My mother asked me questions.

BEEF: Do you think you are tall

RAY: I am tall. I am a tall person, but not as tall as other people. When I want to describe my height, I say that I am tall, but it depends on your standards. As far as I care to admit, I am a tall man.

BEEF: Good uh do you uh are you a main guy in town

RAY: I am a main person in town. A lot of people look to me to see what I am doing. There are people like me in every city on earth. I am one of them. There is no plan, there is no assignment. It's personality-based. My personality is that I do what I like and people with less personality or confidence can observe me and see that a confident person is doing a certain thing. They can then act like me in order to create safety.

BEEF: Great uh can you describe how you feel about McDonald's food

RAY: It is a wonderful product in terms of sensory satisfaction, but I have been aware of the media surrounding its negative effects on earth, culture, and health. Unfortunately we get used to this food at a young age, through lazy parenting, and therefore crave it throughout our lives. I will not fight this, but at times, rarely, this idea informs my food purchases and I opt instead for Taco Bell. That is, if I am looking for food while in my car.

BEEF: Wow dang that is interesting uh so also now do you know how to do laundry

RAY: Laundry is not something that interests me. I pay someone to take care of that. I could learn how to do it but that is not where my passions lie.

BEEF: Right definitely uh so do you make a pretty mean spaghetti with tomato sauce

RAY: I have worked on this dish, but I have not been successful in making a version which does not totally rely on heaping spoonfuls of grated Parmesan cheese and dashes of salt. I have difficulty with the herbs. I feel as though I do not understand basil.

BEEF: Lots of folks don't understand basil

RAY: I...I'm getting thirsty. Why...whoah. Head rush just now...I...wanted to play darts when I came here today, how come we ain't playin' darts? Was I just blankin' on you guys?

BEEF: Oh uh I'll get you some water yeah and a Guinness would be rad as Dickens

RAY: Doggs, I'm tired of sittin' here! Let's go toss a few. New round on me. What's everyone havin'? Aside from Beef. I got his Guinness order. Dude always has that beer.

- - -

So, then — on throughout the afternoon did the tricks and travails of my little group play out. The other patrons found them self-contained and charming, and stood by through meals and pints and games of checkers and chess to enjoy their harmless, occasionally crude antics.

* Sodium Pentothal